Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
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ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
The game has officially changed 😎
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
If I ignore life will it go away?
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
I just tested negative for patience.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
this is funnier than any friends episode
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench