I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
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My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*