[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
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Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you