(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
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ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Heroic Misunderstanding
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”