So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
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Flock of bats
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.