Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
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i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
I only eat vegetarians.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Crying is a sign of leakness.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076