I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
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I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.