First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
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I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
LOL!
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Succinctly put.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.