Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
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I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Bloody internet 😳
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog