Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
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I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten