I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
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Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
moms in horror movies
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.