Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
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‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.