When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
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I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Sex so good you see dead people.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”