doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
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[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
iPhone X
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
I’m calling the cops.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade