*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
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One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?