I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
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do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.