Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
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That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
New mindset, who dis?
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
wait.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5