HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
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[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in