Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
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Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.