[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
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Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
A roof is a house hat.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.