Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
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Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.