I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
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ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
I self medicate, therefore you live.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.