Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
You Might Also Like
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Seas the day!!!!
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Cheers Twitter.