When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
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Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.