horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
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Had a spot of bother earlier.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.