Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
You Might Also Like
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
my astrological sign is a french fry
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals