if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
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Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Pigeon open mic night.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.