People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
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If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”