her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
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her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
“A little help here, Danny?”
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT