Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
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e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”