You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
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She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Spider-cat: No One Home
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.