BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
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Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho