To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
You Might Also Like
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.