For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
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If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.