my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
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Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Venn
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”