Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
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Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
cry laughing at this shit
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
TEETH IS INNOCENT
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.