[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
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god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles