So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
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Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Hamburger Hinderer.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Skills
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus