“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
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*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
much to think about
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
bad news gang
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”