I’m pretty like a car crash.
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My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.