Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
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There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Brb my Sims are getting married
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*