Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
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Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*