Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
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Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War