2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
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Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals