I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
You Might Also Like
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
My teenage children choosing violence
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Pretty certain I can more drunk
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.