Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
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E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
23. the denim jacket
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.