I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
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[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”