My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
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The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Breaking news:
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*