Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
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The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
never forget
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it