Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
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i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
I feel attacked.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
It’s the weekend y’all
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine